Mile for a Smile

I always wonder about the people who write blogs. The blogs that i have usually read till now are written by few of people that i know, all of whom have a strong command over the language and  a flair to use the biggest possible words in one line. Phew , it soo happens that i end up looking in webdictionary simultaneously and thereby improving my vocab as well.. This chararcteristic usage of big long words in one line is called as " Sesquipedalian  ".. This had induced a fear in me somewhere as to not write publicly or show it to these intellectual sesquipedalian's who would judge my write up as too raw and lacking that strength of big words. Guess what, I m over that fear. Who cares as long as i can express in a way wherin the other person gets the gist of it and the message is communicated.

Five months or more has passed since my last entry and now when i look back, I actually feel what had i been doing all this while. Some 180 days plus have passed and still i am trying my best to figure out this mysterious "LIFE".  A very dear friend recently mentioned to me that I dont allow my identity to be separate from the man in my life, my world always just revolves around him. And this came across to me as , REALLY?? I always thought of myself as a strong woman who has her own opinions and who has her own identity. But once mentioned i started thinking about it. When is it that i stop being myself and merge into becoming this little gurl for whom the only importatnt thing in the world is to be with her man and get his approval for everything. I think 80 out of 100 times i had been like this, to the world a very strong and opinionated gurl but to the man, a gurl completely in love and oblivious to the world outside.

I fail to undertsand whether is it right or wrong to be that way . Where to draw a line from being a gullible gurl deeply in love with a strong feeling of doing anything to safeguard her love intrest to a strong , aggressive gurl who would take a stand for the wrong done to her by her man ?? I have been juggling all my life to strike this balance n more often than not the strong gurl takes a stand to end up the turmoil but the innocent gullible one takes over from there. There's always a looking back even when everything is terminated. Why later then ?

I seek a life of smiles,
would go for it till miles,
All i need is ur hand
to go through the sands.

I kept a hope alive
despite all the odds
I kept waiting all this while
All i got was aloofness

I seek a life of smiles,
Am ready to walk miles..

Oh well , this was just one of those sad moments in 24 hour day . At the end of the blog, m all pepped up for the bright light that i see at the end of the tunnel .

Smiles :))

My soul searching adventurous trip

The more i run after something , the further it goes away. Finally i give up n it keeps coming back. So ideally i should stop following in the first place if eventually it has to come back to me .. But isnt it quite contrary to the " Secret " belief ? Such are the wierd experiences of life.

I had always been longing to go out alone somewhere randomly without anyone's knowledge. So i happened to do it this time, well 2-3 people knew though ( Of course for safety reasons ). There I landed in the city of swank, city of CWG, city of bling ..Much to people's surprise, I am pretty comfortable travelling alone n spending time with myself. I dont have any qualms about having to have lunch/dinner alone at any restaurant : could be a sidey joint or could be the 5 star.. So there on the first night I rushed away to the gali of food paradise, a gastronomic delight ofr foodies. I was at the parathewali gali in Chandni chowk. I had assumed it to be like one of those joints that i see back here in Gujarat, but it proved to be much more like a sidey dhabaa where i cd see abt 50-60 guys hanging out for those yummy parathas !!!! Some were college going students, some were arty type guys , some were rockstars n yet some were those who couldnt afford more than wot this small joint offered at such low rates n phuntastic food :) Gorging on my parathas with butter n chai at the wee hours of morning , I felt this is what my life should be.. High on adrenaline, doing things at random hours , living each moment, not concerned of what;s happeneing next !!!!!

End of Day -1

Day -2 started with a sumptous breakfast n lazyn away my time in the luxury of my room. Janpath started calling me by afternoon . The ecelctic handicrafts, tie n dye stuff, batik work, railways station clocks, ole gramophones, ancient telephones ...all these odd stuff always manage to take my breath away. So i spent almost the entire evening basking in the pleasure of being in a different world , different crowd n yet a part of it.

Day -3  Though it was not meant to be a solo trip , but like I said , i dnt get what i follow, so i ended up in a solo trip eventually. The entire day I relaxed in GK and M-block, again shopper's paradise :) Late night I was travelling to Ajmer n here comes the hitch .. Funny as I am n this tendency to attract all adventures !!!
So here i started frm GK to go to Delhi Cantt at 7 50 pm n btw my train was at 8 30... Comes in ancient 1940's taxi , a old sardarji about 70 years of age to my rescue ( atleast thats what i thought of when i sat first ). n here the journey started at the speed of not less than 25 !!!!! Well I managed to reach Station at 9 10 pm.... I was soooo furious , i missed my train , but doesnt it happen that sometimes when u r soo angry , u just lose it n laugh out.. hence , i thanked Sardarji for dropping me safely :))

The station was no less!! My adventures continued with sitting for 2 hours with 3 drunkards , ( Of course i couldnt keep standing for 2 hours ) ,My train was after 2 hours. I got general compartment tkts n shit scared that i was sitting alone n stranded on the Delhi station, I kep thinking about this Bitch called " LIFE ". Eventually the train came n i traversed 6 Sleeper compartments carryng my luggage only to find the AC compartment door closed,and so i got down at the 1st station. By the time i could pick my bags n reach the AC compartment , the train's whistle blew!!!! I ran n there i see a guy who gave his hand like the Famous Shahrukh Khan in DDLJ :) Well i just gave him my luggage n entered in the AC .. Tears formed a film in my eyes ,&  i was searchn for TT.. Finally after requesting I got a ticket n thankfully reached safely to Ajmer !!!!!!

Day 4: Ajmer was the best part of my journey.. The palatial hotel n my room came across as the major comforter!!! Beautiful pastel flowery wall papers decorated the Kind sized room with beautiful paintings and hand painted ceilings ... I felt so much relaxed n uhhh so sheltered . More so i remembered my St.Albans home in UK. That is one feeling which I can never let it go from my heart. I felt so much at home there !!
Well So eventually I had a company n we went to Ajmer' s garib Nawaz prayers. It is by far the most pious place I have seen. The moment I enter its premises , I feel a sense of belongingness and bliss.
From there we went to Pushkar , the only city in the world with Brahma temple besides the one in Bangkok..The city of colors, the city of beautiful tribals, city of hippies, n yes the city of dope !!! I loved that place to the core . I wish I could have taken my camera to capture the surreal , eclectic , vibrant energies there .. This was the last lap of my deemed solo journey.

After this 4 days of different experiences, I came back rejuvenated. I chucked off things that were bothering me, chucked off things and people over whom I had no control. I decided to come back again to life and be my charged up self. N here I am writing a blog , expressing myself once again in the usual high on energy spirits :)

What i learned from this trip and during my contemplation was more dearer to me. I realised once again , I was trying to hold on to people whom I soo loved dearly. But it so happens that people dont necessarily feel the same way about u . It causes so much pain, its beyond comprehension. The restlesness caused by this was so intolerable that I had to do something about it . Hence this whole idea about running away smwhr unknown came. The good part is I found a tiny bit of myself back and i decided to let go off those who wouldnt come back and move on .. Move on once again in the darkness searching for that flicker of light who might promise to be with me !

Finding peace amidst the chaos

Chaos prevails. Here , there, everywhere i can look around or is it that my mind looks for chaos around? Someone had pointed what u think, shall u stumble upon each day. Ever wondered , one day u learn a new word and in the coming days u keep finding that word every now n then being used either in ur social circle or in newspapers or on TV!! We attract what we think and here we were finding that word, eventually the word keeps coming back .. So does it happen in case of emotions. Fortunately or unfortunately I have realised that I keep looking for chaos everywhere n so there i keep bumping into it again n again. A very sweet Friend, whom i met recently, derives her inspiration from the chaos in the life.

That is when i thought of looking at this differently. The chaos that I keep attracting keeps my curious, restless side of Gemini on the go. My mind keeps shuttling at an infinite speed between the real and imaginary world. The twins start talking , one convincing and the other dissuading. And through these 2 , I become a company of my ownself ! I wonder how many people do something like this.. So here I have been trying to achieve some peace amidst the continous chaos by tapping my restless side and creating a busy world. Sometimes ,the feeling of what is coming next being totally black ,is so clear that u stop worrying about the next step and live by the moment : and yet sometimes that strange feeling to know whats actually happening in that blackness makes u go chaotic again.


All i can think about is Buddha's saying about awareness :
" Peace is not to be practised: it is a by-product of awareness. Love is not to be practised: it is a by-product of awareness. Righteousness is not to be practised: it is a by-product of awareness."


And hence awareness is very important . But isnt it so paradoxical that we try keeping ourselves aware of what is but are totally unaware of what may come. Well I keep getting confused between the periods of present and future and of what is and what isnt. I m not sure whether everyone feels this way or if they do , do they really introspect and if they do , do they really express??

2 minds

Its been an eventful month from setting up the place to inaugurating to attending clients..Everything seemed new n fresh. I realised once again that I am a people's person N have this insatiable desire of interacting with people and knowing things on daily basis. Is it me or is it gurlie thing to let ur heart our atleast to one person daily. My talking skills literally amaze me as i can go on and on about any topic for hours togther. Just a week back we all were sitting at the "Jhoola" of dasada resort and discussing on how art & culture can influence our very being. I know of a lovely friend who has done Arengetram , Mime at national levels , theatres n stuff but i could never make out from interacting with her. She would never highlight these talents. I find it very difficult though to contain myself:) If i m even planning to do something its out n open to all. The thoughts in my mind are out loud and clear.
Has anyone been through this? 2 clouds forming in ur head : One says, Dont even look there, he isnt worth it, Second says, babes just chill n enjoi??:) well they dont leave me here. the conversation keeps goin
Cloud 1: He is so cool , i wish i could date him ..
Cloud 2: Uhh he is unreachable, in the end might turn out like others
Cloud 1: Shut up, why do u need to compare always
Cloud 2: I m cautioning u, stay away
Cloud 1: What lotion should I apply today
Cloud 2: Biatch, we r talking about the guy, whr does this lotion come from
Cloud 1: Oh i was thinking vanilla would be good ? wot say? of course to impress him
Cloud 2: Wot vanilla? u like vanilla , does he like, narcissist of the first order

Phew can someone stop these 2 talking ???
This is not one moment... these 2 keep talking in my head throughout the day whnever i am silent. Rest all think that I am contemplating on something serious. Where do they know, My mind keeps talking, I just listen to the one that wins the conversation which again depends on my mood... Did u forget? I am a gemini, dual characteristics:) Miss gooody goody at one time, Naughty to the core on the other hand..

Now bth of them have come to a mutual consensus that i am just typing away anything n hence stop stop stop...

Dad

Its unnerving to see how the life has passed till now..Sometimes i wonder, have i really grown up or yet i am still that tiny little gurl who used to walk around holding my dad's hand..Time has passed , days have gone with lot of happy memories & lot of events happening & yet i cant seem to stop thinking of my childhood days.
Few days back i heard daughter's day being celebrated throughout the world. We seem to create a day for each single relationship. I guess its a western concept since the families there dont really have time or they really do not want to interact due to their own priorities & that on wotever day designated, they show particular emotions to that relation.. Well thats too raw rationale, but if i look into deeper thought of it, i kind of like it as well.. I am a very expressive n hence take opportunity on such days to tell my loved ones how much they mean to me.

N yes , i missed my dad a lot on father's day n on daughter's day as well.. He was my world & i was his. His last words were just my name, all he craved was my happiness. He brought me up like one strong boy, he never treated me like a gurl. There were no differences in our house or any rules diffferent for me n my bro..I miss his care, conceren, unconditional love & that umbrella of his support. That feeling that nothing will go wrong if he is around me, or even if it goes wrong, he's there to keep his hand on my head n say, Beta, its fine...I miss all this n yes this is when i realise that life passed away too soon.. I wish i could hvae spent more days with my lovely poppy...

I remember one incidence when i was some 3 yr old & mum had scolded me for sm reason.I was so tiny, i sat crying into the puja mandir in the small kitchen we had.. After an hour or so, he came to cajole me & pamper me, he kissed me & took me out. He was always my saviour. I have never seen him scolding me ever. he would come to pick me from the bus stand where my school bus would drop me. I would sit on his TVS & want a cupcake before going home. Well sometimes a falooda too:) N i was his princess, so everything i asked i always got. There was one incidence when i was to be vaccinated when i was abt 4 yrs & i agreed only once he promised that i get one ice cream if i allow vaccination.. All this seem so trivial incidence, but these are my precious memories of my childhood with my very special poppy.
I love u poppy n i know u watchn me frm there, I miss ur voice, ur hug n the assurance that no matter wot happens u will protect me:(( But dont worry poppy, i am growing up & will make u proud of urself.. Love u.